Forgive Me, Father
by ThatOneExorcist
Summary: -"For I have sinned."- A seven chapter collection of the demons that reside in the souls of the ones who truly live. Rated T for possible language, updates every Friday. (ON SHORT HIATUS UNTIL LIFE SETTLES DOWN)
1. Mercy

"Bless me father, for I have sinned."

The cold, hard, wooden seats of the confessional pressed into my bones. My hands were curled and tensed into fists, my back was stiff.

"It's been one year since my last confession."

I took in a deep breath. 'You shouldn't be here', my pride scolded me. 'You haven't _sinned,_ all you've done is to protect, it isn't wrong!'

"These are..." My ego wrapped his cold fingers around my throat and squeezed, choking me up and cutting off my words.

I closed my eyes.

'I _have_ sinned...'

"These are my sins."

'Think about this...'

'I have.'

'Once you do this, you can't go back.'

.

.

.

'That's the point.'

"I... promised to protect someone important to me, and I hurt them instead."

"Could you be a little more specific, son?" The gentle voice came from the other side of the confessional.

I swallowed nervously. "I promised my father I would protect my brother... I lied to him for several years... when he found out, I told him-" I cleared my throat and ducked my head. "...I told him he should have just died... and I- I was scared, I was scared he was going to be hurt more, but it just..." I sighed. "He doesn't fully trust me, not anymore... I don't blame him."

"Is that all?"

'Yes.'

"...I also hit him, after he did something that saved many, many people... I got mad at him, because I was mad at myself, and I was mad at him, but I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have hurt him, he's been hurt enough."

"...And you feel...?"

"...I feel..." My eyes widened a little as I searched inside for a feeling, an emotion, a name, but it wasn't easy. It was... I wasn't sad, I didn't regret it, I wasn't... I didn't feel guilty, it was deeper than that, it wasn't regret, it was-

"Remorse." I whispered, my voice cracking a little bit.

"...That's a powerful emotion." The priest sounded a little bit surprised, even if he was trying to keep his voice even, I could tell.

"Remorse for lying, for hurting him, for hurting others, for being so blind, for being-" I broke my words off, my pride again holding my tongue for me. "For being jealous of him." I forced myself to let the words go.

"Him?"

"My father, my brother." I answered quietly.

"And why are you jealous of them?"

I chuckled dryly. 'This sounds more like a therapy session...' I thought. "I... they're so strong... well, my father _was_ so strong, he'd do anything for us, anything for _him,_ for my brother, he protected him with all he had, and my brother he-" I felt a lump begin to form in my throat. "-while I was dealing with one sort of tough life, he was dealing with his own, and despite that he always stood up for himself, and he stood up for me, and anyone or anything he cared about, and even after all I've done, after everything that's happened to him, he's still staying strong, he's still interacting with me, and I'm jealous of that, I wish..." I trailed off as I realized what I wanted. "...I want to be able to smile like him. I feel like..."

'Don't say it.'

"I've lost who I am, I'm fifteen years old and I'm too old."

"I'm sorry, son. There is time for you to turn a new page. Would you like to go on?"

I swallowed again. "Just...just one more thing." I murmured. Silence, silence that pressed me to continue. The syllables were glued to my throat, and I coughed. "I've hurt my body in order to obtain... strength, of a sort."

"...What kind of 'hurt'?"

"... I've... almost shot myself."

I heard a shifting in the other side of the confessional, as (I assumed) the priest was readjusting himself in surprise.

"...Are you positive it was all just to 'obtain strength'?" He asked slowly after a moment of silence.

I looked up at the door of my side of the confessional. I leaned forward and placed my elbows on my knees. I intertwined my fingers and clenched them, chewing on my lip. Was it? Was it just to obtain power? Or was it to...

To not deal with it anymore?

Just a _chance,_ even if I knew I wouldn't die, even though I knew It wouldn't let me.

"I don't know..." I rasped. Quiet permeated the confessional, and I cleared my throat again. "Th-These are all my sins." I managed to say as my eyes teared up a bit.

"...I don't think this is all as bad as you think, son."

My head snapped up. "But-"

"Your brother sounds like a kind person... does he still try to be close to you?" He asked.

I gulped. "Y-yes, but..."

"I think he will forgive you. You have sinned, that is true, but you knew it, and _you_ decided to confess and be forgiven... but if you wish to go further than merely being forgiven through confession, you can try to mend the wounds you have caused."

A tear dripped down my face, and even if no one could see me, I hurriedly wiped it away. "Like what?" I asked.

The priest hummed in thought. "...Apologize to him, for starters... show him you care about him, show him that you are his brother." I could hear the smile in his voice. "Spend some time with him and talk with him... you sound like you need to understand him better." He chuckled. "He may be jealous of _you."_

I scoffed a little. "I dunno about that..." I muttered bitterly.

"Even if you don't know, you can start a new page. Now, would you please express your sorrow in some way?"

I searched my mind, scrambling for words, but I couldn't think of anything. I exhaled sharply and I leaned down. I pressed my intertwined fingers to my forehead and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and my mouth began to move on it's own as it remembered (and altered) the words.

"Brother, father... I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you and the ones I care about, all of whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend to do penance, to try to sin no more, and to try to avoid whatever leads me to sin. I may not deserve it, but I will work hard to repent and be a better brother, a better son, and a better person." My voice broke, and I choked back a sob. My brother's stunned, betrayed expression stared me down. "Oh god... please have mercy..." I clapped a hand over my mouth to stifle my sobs.

The priest waited as I composed myself, and I saw a shadow of a hand raise towards the screen. I closed my eyes and let my ears see the meaning I found in his next words.

As the priest spoke the prayer of absolution, I felt a burning in my chest, a mixture of anger towards myself, remorse, and...

Determination?

I wasn't aware I was capable of determination when it came to my brother, my family.

The corner of my lip twitched upwards a little bit. He would be laughing at me for doing this, if he knew I was doing this. "Amen." I whispered in reply when the priest's voice fell into silence.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good." He finished.

Maybe he is, maybe he isn't... maybe he isn't even real, maybe he is.

I didn't come for _His_ forgiveness... if I didn't though, why did I come?

I placed my hand on my shirt for a moment and clutched at the fabric, searching, shifting through emotions and memories.

I came to forgive... myself.

And to eventually ask-or hope, even- for my _brother's_ forgiveness.

"... his mercy endures forever." I breathed into the light, airy, shadowy quiet.

.

.

.

* * *

 _...I'm back._

 _No, I haven't found God or Jesus or whatever XD_

 _But I got this idea, and I loved it... in this time, we need as much forgiveness and acceptance as we can give and get._

 _It doesn't matter what religion or orientation or race or gender or sex, discrimination hurts._

 _We just need to forgive and seek to be kind and accepting._

 _Anyways..._

 _I hope you like this story. :)_

 _And I'm glad to be back._

 _. o O o ._

 ** _"I believe in peace. I believe in mercy." ~_** ** _Malala Yousafzai_**


	2. Gratitude

"Um... I'm sorry, I don't know how this goes..."

I heard a chuckled from the other side of the confessional booth. "You can start with 'Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.'" Came the soft reply.

I was silent. I felt the rosary beads wrapped around my wrist and scoffed quietly. What the hell was I doing here? I wasn't even Christian! I didn't need "God's forgiveness".

And yet... something still compelled me to come here, to sit in this... this stupid _box_ that had no real value other than maybe a nice piece of wood, maybe cherry... honestly, probably a waste of good wood, but...

"...Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." I muttered.

Silence. I shifted awkwardly in my seat and cast my eyes around my half of the confessional.

"..And how long has it been since your last confession?" The priest prompted.

My cheeks burned a little. I'd never done this before, obviously... I had no _need_ to.

"It's been- I've never confessed my sins, honestly..." I said. 'If sins exist, I know I'm not going to, like, go to hell or anything, hell doesn't exist.' I frowned. 'Well, Gehenna does, but-'

"Would you please tell me what your sins are?" The priest asked quietly. "And be as specific as you feel you can, please."

I took in a deep breath, and I ran my fingers over my rosary beads.

"I... I betrayed my parents... they didn't want me to go to- to this one school, and I went anyways, and I went and dyed my hair and pierced my ears, and I don't regret it, but I should have been honest with them, I guess..."

 _One._

"And I... my dad, he..." I sighed. "For years, he kept secrets from me... he lied to be, and I didn't see him a lot, and I hated him for it, I _hated_ him, and it was..." I clenched my teeth. "...and it was all to protect me, and the people he cared about. And I told him that he shouldn't be acting like a father... and I told him that I'd never acknowledge him as my father."

 _Two._

My fingers paused on the second bead. There was a small nick in the polished, red wood. I focused on that to distract myself from the stinging in my eyes. I blinked hard. I didn't care that there was a screen between us, I couldn't have the priest know I was crying.

"I also really hurt my friend... he's annoying, and he's a little unpredictable, and he's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but nonetheless, he's my friend, and I-I found out something about him, something that I didn't like, his father... is a bad-a bad... man, I guess, and I judged him off of that, and I got mad at him for lying to us, even though he _couldn't_ tell us..." I scoffed. "I was an assho-sorry, I was... I was really bein' a jerk, and he didn't deserve it, and I hurt him."

 _Three._

This bead was flawless, and I wanted to go back to the chipped one, just for the distraction. I swallowed. I couldn't continue. I was sure I had more things, but these were...

These were bothering me the most.

I laughed bitterly. "I don't- I don't know why I'm here! I'm not religious, I don't want God's forgiveness, I just want-"

"...You just need to have your apology acknowledged." The priest finished for me.

I stared at the shadowy figure on the other side of the screen. I opened my mouth, then closed it again. I paused, then took in a deep breath.

"Yeah... I mean, I can't be forgiven for what I've done, there's no way they'll truly forgive me, _I_ wouldn't forgive me... but I need someone to understand how-" I coughed a little. "-how sorry I am."

I heard the priest sigh. "I think that what you are really seeking _is_ forgiveness, but you just don't expect it. I understand what you are saying, but you _can_ be forgiven, and not just by God."

I snorted, but he continued despite my scorn. "I think you should ask for it." He suggested.

I shook my head. "I can't do that."

"Why not?"

I huffed. "Because..." I frowned. "...because..."

"Your pride gets in your way?"

"What?! I-"

'Don't lie, you just don't want them to see that you're weak.'

'You don't want to expose yourself like that.'

'You don't want to admit how wrong you can be.'

"...I-I..." I stumbled through my head for words, grabbing at thin air, it seemed.

"It's alright, son... one of our strongest enemies is our pride." The priest said. I heard him move a little in his side of the confessional.

"I-...I guess..." I admitted, my cheeks hot. I silently cursed myself for my thoughts. I was raised in a Buddhist sect, and my ego was about as big as the Impure King... if not bigger.

My demon was harder to defeat.

"...The first step to forgiveness is admitting you're wrong... I think what you need to do to start to repent for your sins is to face your friend, and your parents, and your father." I heard the smile in the priest's voice as he went on. "There's almost no doubt that they will listen, if they are your parents, and if he's your friend."

I was silent. The dim lights pressed down on me, and I slammed my eyes shut. My heart pounded as I realized what I had to do, that I had to go up to him, that I had to admit my wrongs, that I...

That I had to apologize.

"I guess... I have to apologize in order to be forgiven, don't I?" I rasped.

A soft laugh made my heart slow down it's rapid beating a little. "That's usually the order it goes in, but sometimes it's the other way around." He offered.

I cocked my head a little and opened my eyes. "What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

The priest let out a long breath. "Perhaps they've already forgiven you... all you need to do is acknowledge that with an apology."

I thought about that for a moment, then allowed myself a small smile. I huffed. "Those idiots would be the type to do that..."

'And I'm the type to say I'm sorry long after they already know it.' I thought to myself.

"I think you've already proven your remorse, but if you would like to go on, and express your forgiveness in some way, I understand you're not Christian, but all you have to do is make it known." The priest said.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wood of the back of the confessional. The small box had originally felt confining and cold, and now the warm, dark browns lulled me. I sighed.

"Forgive me, Father." I warned. I heard him start to make a sound of confusion, but I cut him off.

"I'm so goddamn sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry, you don't even know how much I beat myself up over it... I'm not a great person, I admit it... but I could have tried to be a better friend." I shook my head. "I'm gonna try, is what I'm gonna do. You idiots have probably already forgiven me, but I hope you'll accept my apology." I almost whispered the last part, not wanting to say it out loud, but forcing my tongue to form the words.

I thought I heard a stifled chuckle, but it was probably my imagination. The priest quietly cleared his throat. "I think that suffices." I saw him place his hand in front of the screen, near where my head was. It was probably some sort of blessing, but I didn't move away.

"God, the Father of Mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son, has reconciled the world to himself..."

I chuckled quietly. This verse... this was used to exorcise demons of Belial, the demon of Deception... The one who supposedly "drives one away from God"...

I couldn't be farther from God, and that wasn't a bad thing... maybe the verse was nothing but a weapon to me and other exorcists, but...

I felt a little lighter, as if one of my own demons had been brushed from my shoulders...

But that was true before the prayer of absolution.

"...I absolve you from your sin. In the name of the Father, of of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen." The priest finished.

I echoed the amen, then dropped my head. I kept my eyes closed to the dim box. There was a moment of silence, not awkward or tense, just there.

I smiled.

"Thank you, Father."

I heard the priest stand up and stretch. "There's no need to thank me." He said. I lifted my head and gripped my rosary beads in one hand. "You are the only one who has the power to fully forgive yourself."

I opened my eyes.

'Maybe, maybe not... but...'

"Thank you."

* * *

 _This story is a little weird, but I kinda love it. :) I'm in Quebec right now, on vacation, so I'm very tired, but I think that the updates will be every Friday as opposed to every other Friday._

 _I love you all, hope you're well!_

 _. o O o ._

 ** _"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others." ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero_**


	3. Direction

"Bless me, Father, I've... I've been a really bad friend."

I thought I heard a note of surprise in the priest's voice when he responded.

"Do you think you've sinned?" He asked.

I fidgeted in the small booth. My summoning paper was between my fingers, wrinkled from my nervous grip of the walk to the monastery. I licked my lips and tried to smooth out the paper, but it wouldn't flatten out.

"I... I'm not sure what a sin is... all I know is that... is that I told my mom that I wasn't feeling good about keeping it inside, but I didn't want to talk to her, and so she told me to-"

"Come to confession?" The priest asked, amused.

I curled in on myself, shame biting at my cheeks like some small, needle-toothed creature.

"Y-yes..." I stammered, my face hot, my hair hanging in my face.

The priest laughed kindly. "It's all right, child. I'm assuming you've never been to confession before. Do you want to tell me what-"

"I-I don't know where to start." I muttered, mostly to myself. Really, where should I? Maybe I didn't know what a "sin" was, or if there was even such a thing, but I'd done so many... _bad_ things that I didn't know where to start.

The priest smiled. "There's no time limit, child... you can start wherever you want, and if you need to backtrack, then backtrack. The only rule of truth is Truth." He said quietly.

I hesitated, letting the words sink in. Realizing that I didn't need to rush, I sighed. "There was... there was the arbor incident..." I whispered. I felt a lump begin to form in my throat, and I swallowed.

I heard the priest quietly urge me to continue. I took a moment, trying to get rid of the lump, before I began to speak again.

"When... when I was... younger..." I sniffled, and wiped at my eyes, even though the tears hadn't hit my cheeks. "My... my grandmother used to tell me about... about this garden... she said it-it was "God's Garden", where all the plants in the world grew..." I laughed a little, trying to hide the fact I was starting to cry. "...I don't... I don't believe in God, but back then, I was thinking more about the plants... I told my grandmother that we'd search for it together, but she couldn't she was too old, she said." I squeezed my eyes shut, but the tears found their way onto my lashes. "And, one day, I... I thought I'd gathered enough money to travel the world and search for the garden. I told her that I was going to search for it, when she wanted me to help her with the grape arbor..." I clenched my teeth, and my fingers curled around the paper, crumpling it further. I thought, vaguely, that I should apologize to my demon, but the thought quickly disappeared. "...I left her with no help, and I came home late, and she...I found her..." The tears finally fell from my eyes onto my hands, and I trembled.

"The arbor had fallen on her, and... and she was..." I sobbed, and I pressed the back of my hand to my mouth in an attempt to smother the sounds. "And, I should have come home earlier, and she wouldn't have died, I should have helped her with the arbor, and-"

"Do you think she would be mad at you?" The priest cut in. His voice was steady, and I clung to the sound like a lifeline... I had to have something to hold onto, something to keep me tethered.

I took a second to calm my breathing, then shook my head. No, this was... this was Grandmother, she was the kindest person I knew, she was loving, and gentle, and... "I...no... I don't think she would..." But... what if she...?

"Then why, if you pardon my informality, beat yourself up over it?"

I opened my eyes and pressed my palms to my face. I frowned against my skin, and let my hands drop to my lap. "I... I don't _know_ whether she's mad at me or not..." I breathed, shaking my head slowly. How could I know? She was _gone..._ there was no way for me to know.

The priest took a minute to respond. "She would forgive you though, right?" He pressed gently.

I fell silent. I gathered the skirt of my kimono. I could almost see her in my mind, smiling. I smiled along with the memory, and I closed my eyes.

"Yeah... I think she would." I murmured. I took a deep breath. I still had other things to talk about, but at least I didn't feel the need to cry anymore.

"Is that all?" The priest asked me.

I swallowed, and shook my head. "No... after I lost my grandmother, I... I became stubborn. I wouldn't help her with the shop, I wouldn't even leave the garden, I... I was sleeping in the storage shed... ah! I moved all my bedroom stuff out there, I wasn't just, you know..." I added, after I realized how that sounded. The priest chuckled, but didn't say anything, so I went on. "...It... well, it got to the point where I ended up being-" I cut myself off, and I cleared my throat. I couldn't tell him about that, I didn't know if he knew about exorcists and demons and all that. "...my legs, they... they stopped working, I couldn't walk... I was totally useless." I said.

"...and you think that was a 'bad' thing?" The priest asked.

I looked up sharply. "It-it was! I couldn't-"

"You were grieving." He said softly. I closed my mouth, and he continued. "I'm sure your mother was as well, and she could understand what you were going through... while she had lost her mother, she understood that you had just lost your grandmother... you all lived together, am I right?"

I nodded slowly. "Y-yes, we were all very close..." I replied.

"...Forgive me for asking, but... you haven't mentioned your father... is he...?" He trailed off.

I cast my gaze down to my hands. "I...I never met him, and my mom, she... doesn't talk about him." I lifted my head and offered the dark a small smile. "I... don't actually think about him, so I don't miss him." I admitted. It was true, he was never a part of my life, so why did I have any reason to miss him?

"...I see." The priest murmured. I heard him cough quietly, and the small, divided box was plunged into a brief silence.

I waited patiently, not wanting to be the one to break the lack of sound.

"I don't think your mother blames you for how you acted after your grandmother's death." He finally said, his hushed words seeming to boom in the quiet space.

I sighed, and ducked my head. "I... I guess not..." I allowed a short, self-deprecating laugh to escape my lips, and I tucked my hair behind my ear. "I feel stupid for coming here, you're pointing out all these things that I should have seen before-"

"Never feel stupid, or bad, for coming for forgiveness." The priest interrupted me. I blinked, but before I could speak, he went on. "Part of forgiveness is understanding what you've done, and the reality of the situation..." He laughed softly. "I think one of the best feelings is going to confession and realizing that something you've done is not actually a sin." I heard him lean back against the wood of the confessional. "I understand that it doesn't have to be a sin, though." I could hear the smile in his voice, and it spread.

I sighed. "...I guess." I fell into the quiet again, and closed my eyes. I could see my last "sin" flickering in the darkness, blue, warm, like a candle. I grasped for my remaining courage, and found-to my surprise-that there was more there than what little bravery I had started with.

"There's one last thing." I said into the still, slightly stuffy air.

"Please," The priest urged.

I straightened my back and took a breath. "I... really hurt my friend." The priest was silent, so I forced myself to keep talking. All the courage in the world couldn't make the words any less bitter in my mouth. "He was one of my first friends, he helped me... when I literally couldn't stand, and he was kind, and he treated me as a person, as an equal, rather than a doll, or a flower..." I shook my head. The words were tumbling out of my mouth, and, when voiced, I heard just how much of an idiot I was. "...then I found out that his father was-well, we'll just say he was basically a demon." I couldn't help but smile at that. Oh well, it was true, but the priest would take it a different way, I was sure. "... I was scared of him. Just because of someone he was related to, I was terrified that he was going to hurt me, that he was going to hurt my new friends... I was terrified that he would turn on me, on us, and in reality, he was hurting so much that he-" My voice broke as I remembered what had happened in that prison cell, in the bleak landscape where he sat, alone. "He said that he-" I clapped a hand over my mouth.

I thought I was done crying.

It took a minute for me to calm down. I sniffled again and sucked in a breath.

"He said that... he should just die where he was, and that he was-" I sobbed, not able to control my emotions anymore. "H-he said he was a monster!" I cried. I curled in on myself, shuddering. I heard the priest start to say something, but I kept going. "He'd been thinking like that all along! And then when we all found out, he just tried to get along with us like nothing happened, he was trying to move forward and get along with us, and we just-we just made him think he was this evil, monstrous, _demon!_ " I grabbed my hair and slammed my eyes shut against the stinging tears.

"Child, child, please calm down, it's alright, it's alright-" The priest tried to get me to calm down, but I couldn't, I couldn't.

"But it's not alright! I hurt him, I hurt him so much, to the point where he thought it would be better if he weren't alive!" I spat out. I coughed as if the words had been choking me. I shook my head. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have acted like that, I shouldn't have been scared in the first place..." I felt myself calming down a little, and I sniffed. "He didn't deserve it..." I whispered.

"Child."

My eyes flickered open as the priest's voice finally broke through my cries. I fell silent. I inhaled slowly. "Yes...?" I said weakly.

"I want to ask you... do _you_ think he'd still be mad at you?" He asked.

I thought for a moment. "N-no... I don't think he was mad in the first place, he's not like that..." I murmured.

"Then do you think you really need his forgiveness?" My eyes widened. Of _course_ I needed his forgiveness! I had to know if he-if he still didn't trust me, or-or- "Or do you think you already have it?"

His words were quiet, but they seemed to slam into me, shocking me into stillness.

My trembling slowed to a stop, and I let my fingers loosen from my hair.

Did I... already have it?

"How do I know if I have it?" I asked, almost under my breath.

"What do you think is the best way to find out?" The priest asked.

I sat up, thinking. How? What was the best way? I didn't know, how would I-

Oh.

I shot to my feet.

"I-I'm sorry, I need to-" I stammered, but he cut me off.

"Go." He said. I heard him stand, and I looked at the divider for the first time since I sat down on the wooden seat. I saw the silhouette of his hand pressed against the screen. "You know who you need to ask for forgiveness." He chuckled. "You don't need to get it from me or God, but let's just keep that a secret between you and me."

I smiled. I wasn't entirely sure what to do, so I placed my hand on the screen over his hand.

"Thank you." I said. I stayed there for a moment, before I tucked my summoning paper into my sleeve and reached out to draw the dark red curtains back.

Maybe I hadn't found what I was looking for...

But I knew where to go.

* * *

 _Ah well... I kinda like this chapter..._

 _Hope you all did as well._

 _Hope you guys are doing awesome._

 _:)_

 _. o O o ._

 ** _"You cannot change your destination overnight, but you can change your direction overnight." ~Jim Rohn_**


	4. Verity

"Bless me, Father, for I… I think I've sinned."

To my surprise, this made the priest laugh.

"I haven't heard that one before." He chuckled.

I blushed a little, and I wrung my hands nervously. "I just… I'm not Christian, and I know _what_ the sins are, I'm just not sure what they mean when it-" I paused, then sighed. "-when it comes to humans… when it comes to me."

"You mean to say that you're not sure if what you've done can be classified as a sin?" He asked.

I bit my lip, nodded, then remembered that he couldn't necessarily tell what I was doing. "Y-yes." I answered, glad he understood me.

I heard the priest make a sound of agreement, then he spoke. "I have no qualms with aiding you, but I have to ask; if you're not a Christian, why have you come to ask for God's forgiveness?" He asked, not unkindly, just sounding curious.

I searched for an answer, then hummed in thought. "I…. I guess… I just wanted someone to hear what I have to say, without knowing me, someone who… who doesn't know who I am and what I've done..."

"Someone without prior knowledge, so you can't be misjudged?" He said quietly.

I nodded. "Yes."

There was a pause, then the priest took in a breath. "I can help you with that, son. Why don't you tell me what you think your sins are?"

I placed my hands on my knees, and tapped my finger against my pants. "Well, um… I've never actually been to confession before… and… what I think are my sins are…" I closed my eyes. 'Where do I even start?' I wondered to myself. I shook my head and continued. "I… is distrust a sin?" I asked.

The priest readjusted his position. "It depends. Without a reason to distrust, then I would say it is… distrust in God is certainly a sin, but since you're not Christian…"

I dipped my head. "Then…. I suppose I have sinned." I gulped. "My…my friend… I knew him for a few months, and there was nothing really remarkable about him… he was strong, but he was also headstrong, and a little air headed, but he was kind, for the most part, and I enjoyed his company, I still do, it's just… I found out something about him that made me hate him… something that was connected to him, but something he had no power over… I was scared of him, I couldn't trust him around my older friends, and I know it hurt him… he forgives me, and he tries so hard to be someone I can trust, that everyone can trust, it's just-" I broke off. I reached up and grabbed my glasses, re-positioning them on my face. "I…. I can't… and I know I don't even have a reason to distrust him, but I can't help it! I feel awful, he's my friend, and he trusts me, and it's not mutual…" I felt tears prick at the corners of my eyes, and I quickly lifted my glasses out of the way and wiped at my eyes.

"But you feel guilty about it?" The priest asked.

"Of course! More than guilty, I really… I'm sorry I can't, and I wish I could, it's horrible that I can't fully trust him! Like… I feel like I would love to trust him with my life, and for the most part I would, but there's this little part of me that still doesn't trust him, that holds me back from being a true friend."

"You mean to say one can't be friends with another without complete trust?"

I clenched and relaxed my fingers nervously. "Isn't that what friendship is? Trust? Mutual trust?" I asked him.

I saw the nondescript figure shrug through the screen between us. "I wouldn't necessarily say so… Do you have any other friends who you wouldn't lend money to?" He replied.

A certain pink-haired "monk" immediately came to mind. I paled a little. "I uh… I guess."

"But he's still your friend."

I shrugged. "Y-yeah, he's my friend. I wouldn't call him anything else, even if he has done stupid stuff." I said slowly.

The priest continued. "I think that one of the first ways you can begin to be forgiven is by accepting that you don't fully trust this friend of yours. From there you can maybe begin to understand him better. Why is it that you really distrust him? Is it just because he's connected to something that affected you negatively?"

I thought for a moment. "I-I… I don't know, I think…" I closed my eyes and thought about that night, and the following days… the following _weeks,_ the days before I found out… "I think… because he didn't just tell us in the beginning… that's where most of my mistrust stems from." I realized.

The priest was quiet, then went on. "I would say that the best thing to do is to first accept that you mistrust him, then begin to really understand why… and then, maybe one day, you'll wake up and realize that you have grown to trust him more… and I feel like if he knew what you felt, he would forgive you for it, once he knew _why._ Because, you would agree with me that it's not fully his fault, right?"

I nodded immediately. "Yes, most of it is just _my_ previous experiences, not something that he did to me or anyone I know."

"As a fellow human, I'm sure he can understand those kinds of human emotions… I think you should try to forgive him, and he will forgive you… this, I feel, would absolve you of that sin without my help." The priest murmured softly.

My eyes widened. "Tell him that I don't- that would hurt him-"

"And if you don't tell him…" the priest trailed off meaningfully.

It dawned on me. "Oh… I would… be doing the same thing he did." I whispered into the dark.

"From distrust sprouts distrust, only from forgiveness can forgiveness grow." The priest said. "Do you trust that he will forgive you?"

I took a moment to think. Did I? Would he?"

"Completely." I said firmly.

The priest chuckled. "Then I think you've found your answer. Would you like me to say the prayer of absolution?" He asked me, sounding amused.

I thought for a moment. I smiled. "I don't… have a preference. If you would like to… then you can." I looked towards the screen, towards the blurred shadow of a face. "Father… thank you." I murmured.

I could imagine his smile when he spoke. "There's no thanking me… you walked into this monastery, you sat down in this confessional, and _you_ faced yourself. I only helped you find the path to forgiveness." He took a deep breath and placed his hand on the screen. "I feel no need to say the prayer of absolution, for I feel that my God would forgive you without my suggestion… and even if you and I don't worship the same name, we seek the same thing, and we are here on earth to help each other."

I laughed quietly. "Perhaps."

The priest sighed. "Bless you, my son. May your forgiveness sprout another's."

I smiled. "I'll try my hardest."

"Thank you, son."

* * *

 _And another chapter gone and passed. :)_

 _Hope you enjoyed._

 _Stay safe._

 _. o O o ._

 ** _"ver·i·ty_**

 ** _ˈverədē/_**

 ** _noun_**

 ** _a true principle or belief, especially one of fundamental importance._**

 _ **"the eternal verities"**_

 ** _truth._**

 ** _"irrefutable, objective verity""_**


	5. Trepidation

"..."

"..."

"Excuse me, but-"

"For God's sake, what am I doing here?" I muttered to myself, cutting off the priest before he had a chance to speak.

I heard him clear his throat awkwardly, and I huffed. I leaned forward and placed my chin in my hand. My long, straight hair fell across my shoulder, black, with an almost purple tint.

Okay, maybe I felt a little bad for not speaking, but... even after being in here for five whole minutes, I didn't know what to say, where to start... and after a few minutes of thinking, I realized that I really didn't have business here.

"Why are you here?"

I blinked, and looked up at the screen in surprise. "Aren't you supposed to be supportive of my being here?" I asked dryly.

The priest laughed a little. "I didn't mean it like that, child. Just trying to help you figure out your thoughts." His voice was soft, and I felt myself calm down a little.

I shook my head. "I... I guess... I came here because I was thinking about stuff from a while back, and I felt _almost_ like I wanted to talk to someone, and-" I frowned. "But again, why come here? You're not a therapist-not that I need one-and you're definitely not your friend, I don't even know you." I reasoned.

I heard the priest shift in his seat. "Well... do you feel like you need forgiveness?" He asked.

I raised my eyebrow. "No." I said firmly. My brow furrowed. That didn't sound right, not to me, but I wasn't entirely sure why.

Another silence crept it's way into the confessional, and I leaned against the back of the seat. I crossed my legs and drummed my fingers awkwardly on my knee.

"Why don't you tell me what you were thinking about." The priest suggested.

I glanced sideways at the shaded figure, then sighed. "You think you'll be able to figure me out?" I asked, a dry smirk on my face.

I saw the figure shake his head. "No, but it may help _you_ figure out why you're here." He said.

I rolled my eyes. _'He sure sounds like a therapist.'_ I pursed my lips, then huffed. I closed my eyes. "I was thinking about my mother... and my sister." I said finally.

"Did something happen to them?" The man asked.

I scoffed. "Yeah. I did." I muttered.

"Why do you say this?" He asked.

I hesitated. I couldn't exactly get into all the details, not without talking "nonsense" about demons and possession and the Illuminati, so how could I explain this?

I clicked my tongue and shrugged. "I... I caused a lot of harm to come to them... not... I didn't do it directly, but..." I struggled to find a good way to cover it up to make it seem more normal. "My... my mother and my sister and I lived together, and after a while, my mother started..." I swallowed as memories began to appear in my head, and I closed my eyes. It didn't help. "She started acting strange, and... it was pretty evident that she was sick... you know, like... 'in the head' kind of sick... she tried to hurt us." I murmured.

Eh. That was the best I could come up with.

The priest didn't say anything, so I went on.

"So... I called these people... they said they could help, and they took my mother and my sister and me away to this... this facility, and I thought they could help... turns out they were... uh, basically torturing my mother..." I swallowed, remembering how she looked the last time I saw her... bleeding, weak, _disintegrating._

"...One day I woke up, and they had taken Tsukumo, my little sister, up for adoption, and I... I just ran." My voice cracked, and I cleared my throat. I blinked back tears. I wouldn't cry in here, no way in the world would I.

"... I'm sorry to hear that-"

"I'll bet you are, but that doesn't do much does it?" I snapped, crossing my arms across my chest. I shook my head. "Anyways... I saw my mother recently... she looked horrible, and she..." I trailed off, and took a deep breath. "She didn't blame me... for any of it... even though it was all my fault."

"...If you have her forgiveness, then why dwell on the past?" He asked.

I huffed again. "Because I don't _know_ if I 'have her forgiveness'." I said.

"Why not ask her?" He offered.

"Because she's dead." I replied curtly.

Silence.

"I'm so sorry."

"My sister-" I went on, not wanting to remain on the subject of my mother. I squeezed my eyes shut. "I found where my sister went, when she was adopted... I... I went there... I felt like a creep, I was just watching the house, and I saw her, and she looked alright." I couldn't help but smile, but my eyes were stinging a little. "She had a nice family, but when I went up to her, she... she didn't remember me at all." I whispered.

There was another quiet spell before the priest spoke again.

"It sounds like she's happy, so why do you worry?" He asked.

I opened my eyes and wiped away the tear that had made it's way to my lashes. "Because I don't know if she doesn't remember her sister, or if she does and she hates her for what she did." I spat out.

"I don't think she would... she found a nice family, right?"

I glared at the screen. "Well, yeah, but we had a nice family too, before mother..." I let my voice fade out, and I shook my head. "Look, I don't know why I'm here, I don't need forgiveness from God, I don't even believe him, I just-"

"Needed guidance?" He suggested.

I barked out a laugh and stood. "No. I have no real path, but I'm going to keep going forward." I answered, dusting off my capris. "It doesn't do anyone any good to wallow in the past, especially if the past sucks, I should just shut up and forget about it, and forget about her, and-"

"It doesn't do any good to wallow in the past, but glancing back and addressing it isn't always a bad thing." The man behind the screen said quietly.

I looked back. He was still sitting down, that much I could tell.

"Yeah? What am I supposed to do? Go summon the ghost of my mother and ask her if she hates me?" I growled, placing my hands on my hips. I felt closed in on, trapped, because of how small the space was. My elbow was brushing the wall.

The priest laughed softly. "Why don't you search out what is left of your mother instead?" He said, finally standing. It seemed he understood that I wasn't going to be here much longer.

I raised my brows skeptically. "Am I supposed to understand what that means?" I asked.

"Find your sister again." He murmured.

I tensed, and my eyes widened. I stood, frozen for a moment, before I shook my head. "No... no, no way can I do that, she doesn't have to deal with me anymore, and-"

"I think it would be the best way to find closure, if not to rebuild your bonds with a person you obviously care very much about." He said.

I clenched my fists, and my fingers dug into my arms. I noticed that my arms had become more muscled, firmer. I wasn't the little girl who lived in the shrine anymore, even if my hair was the same, even if I looked like my mother, even if..

Even if I still thought about it every single damned day.

"...But what am I supposed to say?" I whispered.

The priest chuckled softly. "I think 'hello' is a good conversation starter, and then you'll find you can take it from there." He said, sounding confident.

I sneered at that. "She doesn't even remember me, her new parents even gave her a new name, I can't even..." My breath hitched, but I kept my voice even. "I can't even call her Tsukumo anymore."

I watched the man behind the divider, trying to find some sort of expression, but there was no way to make out any features.

"Then you ask her what her name is, and you start to explain who you are... it's quite simple."

I had to smile a little bit. "That was almost sarcastic." I muttered. I huffed and shook my head. "She's... she's still too young for me to just show up out of nowhere and tell her that."

"Well, you don't plan on leaving any time soon, am I right?" He asked.

I paused, then shook my head. "No..." I responded.

"Then give her some time... children grow up faster than you think." I watched as he walked to the front of the confessional, and I heard him stop. "You are very capable, I think... I think you came here just to get confirmation for what you were planning to do eventually, and that's fine."

I frowned. "So, what? I just walk up to her?" I asked.

I heard the curtain draw back. "Is that what you would do?" The priest shot back, a smile in his voice.

I blinked, then shrugged. "I... I don't know, I guess I'd talk to her new parents..."

"Then do just that..." There was another silence, then he spoke again. "Don't dwell in the past, but if it haunts you, turn and help the spirit be at peace." He said quietly.

I slowly let my arms drop to my sides. I didn't know what to say. He was right... I guess. Maybe. When I didn't say anything, he spoke again.

"Farewell, Child. I hope that your ghosts find the peace you can give them."

I heard the curtain swish shut, and his footsteps faded into the background.

I stood in the dim, tiny room, alone with nothing but my heartbeat and my breathing.

I looked down at my feet, and I closed my eyes.

Hm.

Maybe I didn't need forgiveness.

Maybe I just needed to walk away... but I didn't necessarily need to leave it behind.

I took in a breath and stood up straighter, opening my eyes. I smoothed back my hair, checked that my clothes were in order, and I stepped forward, flinging back the curtain and letting my eyes adjust to the light of the monastery.

I smiled, then glanced back into the small room. It was dark and empty, but it seemed a little less intimidating than it looked when I first arrived.

Maybe the past wasn't as scary as I was making it out to be.

* * *

 _Sorry it's a little short._

 _She doesn't have too much to say, even if it's important._

 _She's efficient, she can get things done eventually._

 _Anyways._

 _Hope you all enjoyed!_

 _. o O o ._

 _ **"The fears we don't face become our limits." - Robin Sharma**_


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